Alexander Stubb for Women’s Rights

The rather hyperactive Finnish Foreign Minister and former Member of European parliament, Mr. Alexander Stubb visited Saudi Arabia recently. He was asked on the MTV3 News if he would bring up Saudia Arabia’s abysmal human rights record in regards to women. Mr. Stubb answered “We will bring up the positive aspects of what we have done in Finland in regards to women’s rights and hopefully this will have an affect”.

Since Mr. Stubb did not make us privy to the actual discussions with the Saudis and since Phineas is a man of certain diplomatic experience what follows is an example of what Mr. Stubb’s opening remarks might have looked like:

Alexander Stubb, Foreign Minister, Finland

“Your Excellency King Abdullah Custodian of the two Holy Mosques. Thank you for receiving us at your wonderful palace and as Foreign Minister of Finland and representative of the Finnish government I wish to convey the friendly greetings of the Finnish people upon you, your family, your four wives, 27 concubines and your harem of Eastern European call girls.

We Finns believe that we share more in common with the Saudis than at first may appear. As a prime example of this I would like to mention our behavior in regards to our womenfolk. Like you in Saudi Arabia, in Finland we like to keep our women in check. Statistics show that a total of three women are violently killed in Finland every month and you’ll be pleased to hear that most are killed at the hands of their spouses. While we recognize that this may sound like a small number I can assure we are working hard to bring the numbers up to a respectable level. Unlike Saudi Arabia, Finland keeps statistics of our violence against our women. This is one of the positive things we have done in Finland in regards to women’s issues and we strongly urge you to start doing the same. There’s nothing like a properly designed excel spreadsheet with the correct data in place to assist you in your future policy planning towards keeping the females of your wonderful nation in their place.

It must be said however that our struggle with women’s issues has had its setbacks; in 1994 rape within marriage was criminalized and in 1999 the restraining order law was passed. I would like to add however that men in Finland continue their tradition of civil disobediance in regards to the restraining order law, as exemplified only recently by a well integrated immigrant gentleman (and I hasten to add: A Muslim) by the name of Ibrahim Shkupolli who had during his many years learnt how we Finns treat our women and as a result had received a restraining order prohibiting him from going near his partner of 18 years. He thus proceeded to go out and stab the lady and then continued to the shopping center where she had worked and shot four of her colleagues.

But where there are successes there are also challenges. This brings me to the very serious matter of rape. In Finland we have a reported 600 rapes per year and we continue to work diligently to stamp this out (estimates are that there are actually up to 10 000 rapes per year, but that’s all women’s propaganda). While we are still a little behind the Saudis in our judiciary legislation since we actually still have laws against rape, I can assure you that if we can keep our courts giving out the kind of rulings they are, I am confident that within a decade there will not be one single rape reported in Finland. I therefore here in Saudi Arabia, pledge to wipe out rape in Finland.

So Your Excellency, as you can see, the similarities between the Finns and the Saudis are far more numerous than our differences. It is precisely these similarities that I hope will be the bond that binds our two nations together and will for years to come be the backbone of our mutual understanding and manly progress.”

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Tags: Alexander Stubb, Finland, Foreign Minister, rape, Saudi Arabia, shkupolli, violence against women